Interesting Reads: Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages

From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. Gentle voice notwithstanding, psychologist (and national television personality) Smith pulls no punches and minces no words in her heartfelt caution against the danger in believing "that you don't need what you do need." Truth is the theme here, and Smith guides listeners in how to recognize it, speak it and make it a part of the marriage. Although targeted to women who suppress themselves in order to be in a relationship, men are not left out. Smith's candid examples from her own failed marriage and those of the troubled couples she counsels ably illustrate her points. The first CD lists the top 10 lies about relationships (including "You can learn to live with the things that make you unhappy") together with their corresponding truths ("Suffering is not love"). The second CD explains how couples can make each marriage vow real. The third CD's bonus material is equally valuable: a set of 275 questions (viewable in Adobe reader) to ask before you marry. Smith succeeds admirably in taking the microscope to the myriad actions and words couples automatically do and say, and explaining how questioning them can lead to a more authentic marriage.

You can purchase this on Amazon.com.

7 Types Of Men Every Woman Should Date....... PT. 2

There are some men who seem to attract the attention of every woman. Then there are other men who, well… maybe they go unnoticed more often than not. That initial attraction is based on emotion, lust, or physical desire and is not rooted in anything of substance. Making decisions to date and commit to a person based on these factors can be a very costly mistake.

The purpose of dating is to get to know someone, not to have sex or fulfill lustful desires. When you rush to the dating phase, you miss the opportunity to develop solid friendships and really get to know a person. Being friends first allows you to start identifying core characteristics of the type of man who will date you for the purpose of marriage.

Here are 7 types of men that you should date:

1. The Unmarried Man -This may seem obvious, but it is very necessary to mention. There are too many women attempting have relationships with married men. Married men are not a candidate for single women to date… period! This includes married men who are separated (legally or otherwise). They are still married and not available to date. Married people have their own families and concerns to deal with. That being said, the unmarried man, who is devoted to the things of God, is the type of man you should be interested in dating. (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).


2. The Kingdom Seeker -A man who is seeking God’s Will for His life will, not only seek out a woman to date, but will seek out his wife. The Bible says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). Ladies, you should be an asset; the thing that is *added* to him as he is FIRST seeking the kingdom of God. This is why I say, run as fast as you can for Jesus and the one who can keep up might be the one.


3. The Real Man -No, I am not talking about machismo behavior (all the shoulders back, chest out, fist curling gestures and such)… Real men don’t need all of that. That’s what grown-boys do to get a woman’s attention. Real men “pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace” (2. Timothy 2:22). Real men regard women as a gift that is not to be taken advantage of; they see her as priceless and desire to cling to her (Matthew 19:5). A real man’s character shows his high regard for a woman long before the dating stage.


4. The Learner -A man who is in continual pursuit of knowledge is better equipped to handle life and execute on goals / plans. He should read, seek counsel, study continuously, etc… The Bible says, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed”( Proverbs 15:22). Also, “My people are destroyed because of lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6). A man who is willing to learn and gain knowledge in life should also be more open to gaining knowledge about love and having successful relationships.


5. The Multiplier -A man shouldn’t just balance you out, he should constantly add to you. His presence should multiply your potential. He should add to the beauty of who you are and never take away from anything that is precious about you. ( “Relationship Coaching: Do you multiply or divide?”) The Bible says, “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.’” (1 Corinthians 15:33). The man you date should never cause you to compromise good morals. He should seek ways to support you in your values. His values should complement yours.


6. The Servant –A man who has demonstrated a pattern of submitting to authorities in his life (leadership, pastors, parents, etc…) will also have an understanding of how to submit to God as the head of his life and, subsequently, how to commit to his future wife. The Bible says, “Obey your leaders and submit to them… Let them do this with joy and not with groaning,” (Hebrews 13:17). His positive attitude towards authority figures is an indication of his servant’s heart and also provides a picture of how he can be in a dating relationship.


7. The Consistent Man -Emotions rise and fall, but character shows with consistency. The consistent man is not in a rush because he does not have poor intentions, nor is he interested in manipulating a woman to be led by her emotions (“ Warning: Don’t Follow Your Heart”). He will take his time to get to know you and will allow you to get to know him as well. The Bible says, “Whoever walks in integrity will be delivered, but he who is crooked in his ways will suddenly fall.” (Proverbs 28:18). Over time, the consistent man’s good character will still stand, while the man with bad intentions will also come to light.



Remember, the purpose of dating is to get to know a person. If you take your time to get to know him, you will be able to find out if he is the type of man you should date.

7 Types Of Women Every Man Should Date....PT. 1

I am going to give men a starting point for the types of women I feel are a good consideration to date. We, as men, know the goal is to have a woman we can love, cherish, hold, and make our wife. Of course what I am about to list is no guarantee of a good woman, but should be used as a foundational guide of what she can look like emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and personality-wise.

Here are 7 types of women every man should date:

1. Submitted to GodIf a woman is submitted to and passionate about living for God, she will be the same to you, assuming you’re a man submitted to God. There is something special about a woman who truly serves God.

2. A Selfless WomanA selfless woman will understand the importance of working together, sharing, devotion, and commitment for the right reasons. Her motives will be to help make life a little better for you. She will understand that dying to self doesn’t mean she does not love herself.

3. A Simple and Low Maintenance WomanA low maintenance woman tends to be focused on the truly important things in life. I’ve found them to be non-clingy, very rational, and supportive. She won’t care about how much money you have or don’t have. She will like you for who you are and is not looking for what you can do for her. She accepts you freely because she is comfortable in who she is. She is more about becoming a better woman than just appearing to be a good woman.

4. A Woman Who Can Truly Be Your Best FriendFriendship before love is always best before a serious relationship.

5. Emotionally StableThis type of woman understands God gave her emotions and instincts to give man balance. She understands emotions are never used as a decision making tool, because emotions can lead you outside of the will of God. The devil drives us off a cliff using emotions and God gently leads us with wisdom. A good book to read about emotions is “Living Beyond Your Feelings By Joyce Meyer

6. A Loyal and Patient WomanShe is with you through the good and the bad. She’s there if you’re rich; she’s there if you’re poor (if you have 2 cents, 2 dollars, or 2 million dollars… makes no difference). She is right there cheering you on and helping you to be great. She will not be looking for other men, because all of her attention is with you. She will uplift, support and encourage you.

7. A Woman with CharacterThis should go without saying, but I will add this (and this type should really be the first thing you consider for any woman). She must be of a woman of good character. Without character, it will be difficult to even build a strong friendship. Character is what we do when other people are not looking, but God always knows what we are doing (e.g. A woman who will still entertain men, giving out her number to other men, etc… is not serious about a courtship leading to marriage and it speaks to her character). How she will honor and respect the relationship as you grow together when you are not around speaks volumes about her character.

Why Men Have To Go To Church

posted by elev8.com

Men have to learn what love is before we can feel it or provide it. Too many fathers never learned what love was so they couldn’t teach their sons about love. Since fathers are not teaching sons about love, then love has to be taught from the Source. The Source of love is God. I learned in church one Sunday that the only true love is agape. Agape is God’s love. Agape is described as a selfless love felt by Christians for their fellow human beings. In order to love some one else, you must first love Christ. You can only love other Christians through your love for Christ. Men have to go to church to learn about love. There is no better place to learn about love than the Christian Church.

It is important that men learn about love at the church so that they can appropriately spread that love throughout their family at their homes. One of the major problems that we face in marriage & family in America today is that love and the focus of love is often times being misplaced. We have too many husbands that love their mothers more than they love their wives. We have too many husbands that love their children more than they love their wives. We have too many husbands that are in love with too many other things. “I love hanging out with my homeboys watching the game. I love my job. I love my business. I love my money.”

I am here to tell you today that I don’t love anything else until my wife is full of my love. All of my love is reserved for her and the world (my son, my mother, my stuff, my things) receives only the love that is left over.

How To Love A Black Man

Written by Dr. Jamal Harrison-Bryant and posted on Elev8.com

Song of Solomon 1:2

Matthew 26:47-48

One of my dear friends sent me an email from a poll that was taken on a statistical study. (As a disclaimer, the poll was not taken from our church and I do not defend, uplift, or protect the data that was given).

The Ten Problems that Black Men have with Black Women:

1. Black Women make Black men feel unappreciated, unwanted, irresponsible, and regressive.
2. Black Women are too aggressive, and are impatient when it comes to waiting on a man to pursue them.
3. Black Women are too strong-headed and independent, which presents great challenges in relationships.
4. Black Women are masculine in that they are controlling and like to “run” the relationship.
5. Black Women expect too much. They are gold diggers who will not look twice at a blue-collar black man.
6. Black Women are hot-headed and have bad attitudes.
7. Black Women stop caring about their appearance once they are in a relationship.
8. Black Women are not open to other areas of intimacy. (paraphrased)
9. Black Women’s tolerance is far too low; they are not empathetic to the Black Man’s struggle in a racist society.
10. Black Women do not cater to their man as much as they cater to themselves and their child.

The context of Song of Solomon is that King David was going through a very small town and saw a woman who was working in the garden. She captured his attention by the way she worked. He returned to the palace, but could not get her off his mind. Consequently, he disguised himself and dressed like a peasant. He returned to the vineyard and won her over. Song of Solomon is a collection of 7 poems that talks about how they met: their courtship, engagement, wedding, honeymoon and the life they lived after.

Four C’s On How to Love a Black Man.

1. Cheerleader.

Every woman involved with a black man has to learn how to be a cheerleader. A cheerleader is of no consequence when the team is winning. When the team has scored a touch down, you can’t hear the cheerleaders because the whole stadium is ecstatic and excited. Cheerleaders are necessary after a tackle, a hit or an injury. Every black man yearns to have somebody on the sidelines who will cheer for him when he’s not making progress.

2. Conditioner.

• a) Hair Conditioner. A conditioner is something that improves the quality of another matter. Every woman is supposed to condition, or improve a man’s quality of life. Most heterosexual men only use shampoo, while most women who take care of their hair use shampoo and conditioner. The shampoo is incomplete by itself. The conditioner is the sealant. Women need to understand that they are incomplete without men, and vice versa. When we connect, we seal and complement each other. The conditioner does several things:

• It detangles. A woman’s first assignment in loving a black man is to bring order.
• The conditioner also stops breakage. The role of a woman who is involved with a black man is to stop him from having break downs.
• The conditioner alleviates dandruff (signs of death in the scalp). Dandruff always shows itself at eye level, so you can see a man when he’s starting to die. Life no longer excites him. Therefore, to stop the death process, a woman has to condition him.
• Conditioner also brings gloss. The role of a woman who is living with a black man is to help him shine. Don’t minimize him even though you make more money.
• A conditioner is also an acidifier. In order for a man to love a woman wholly, he’s got to be healed from what is in his head.

• b) An air conditioner is an instrument used to change the environment. It produces both air and heat. Air conditioners do not produce the air, they recycle the air. The role of a woman in a man’s life is to be an environment transformer.

• c)Fabric Conditioner/Fabric Softener prevent static cling. If you want to love a black man and have him love you back, you cannot have static cling.

3. Co-pastor

The man in biblical structure/order is the priest of the home. Unfortunately, in the Christian construct more often than not the woman is more disciplined in spirituality than the man. The woman in that relationship is assigned, or deputized, as the co-pastor.

4. Conspirator

The woman who is connected to a black man has to come up with a conspiracy for his success – setting him up for greatness in his absence.

SOS 1:2 “Let him …” This is very critical because Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, is advising sisters who love a black man to let him feel like it was his idea, let him believe that he was right. It says “Let him kiss you…” this implies that the woman has the authority, but the man can’t operate in that authority without her permission. The male ego is such a fragile entity. He doesn’t need to know all the things a woman has done on his behalf.

God’s conspiracy for man was to make him feel like “he’s the man,” but man didn’t understand it until God introduced him to a woman, the conditioner. Her role was to condition him for a place in God.